Winter's Lull
by Sombereyes
Summary: The pad of your thumb runs over my cheek. I am not alone. I am not by myself in my own head, or so it seems, because in that dulled gaze of yours, you see into me. I don't know how I know that, or where the belief stems from, but it's undoubtedly backed by your words.


A/N: I have received a few appeals in the form of PM's, people asking me to return to finish my Shiz/Nat stories…after the events from last time, anyone can understand my hesitancy to do so…but let's call this a test. My profile has been updated to reflect this test. Do not make me regret this decision.

 **Winter's Lull**

Your hands are cold, Natsuki…

I wanted to warm them in my own, but, you don't seem to allow that. It's a kindness, I'm sure, since you refuse the gentle touch from even the most warmhearted individuals. I wish you would grow used to me.

To this.

To us.

It's funny, isn't it - the winter snowfall – yes strange indeed.

It's that moment when you reach out to find something sort of like bliss, but find nothing instead. Well, maybe a coldness that is neither depressing nor entirely lonely. That moment, perhaps, when friendship is something more.

I know, it is such a night. One where the world can continue to turn, and it doesn't really matter. That kind of moment, no matter how many things go on unsaid, mean the entire universe to me. Staying like this does too, but, if I could tell you that, maybe, it would be more…

Or then again, maybe it won't be anything at all. Maybe you'll just give me a look, or laugh it off. You do that sometimes.

"Shizuru…"

Okay, perhaps you do it a lot of the time. "It's nothing, Natsuki. The moon, beautiful tonight, isn't it?"

"Hm." I see you nod, and I wonder how you feel, truly. "It is."

Hands stuffed into your pockets, that soft exhale of misted breath; I want to capture it and put it into my pocket. It seems a sigh of something so sad. If I could protect it, I would. Sheltering it from any pain, since it seems you will not let me shelter you. "So, since it is such a beautiful night, I can't blame you for calling me out here. Though, it is chilly, Natsuki."

"Yeah." So soft…so, so very soft. You've always been, hidden behind that brash exterior. Your words now, so tender, but you look guilty Natsuki. "About that, I mean, I've been thinking about… _it_ …about you, and everything."

You always seem too though. When I cook for you, or, when I make a somewhat dirty joke then, you get quiet. I know I'm the cause, of why that frown -annoying little thing that it is- perches on your lips even now.

That's okay…I'll be okay…

I wish I could say that, but, it just gets stuck in my throat. Especially when we sit side by side in the abandoned school yard, waiting for the sun to rise, and laugh about days gone by. About youth that was so hard to come by, because even as a child, even then, you'd lived like an adult, thrust into such a role even though you were far too young. Even now, I feel compelled by that logic.

I feel as though you've grown old before your time.

That the eyes I see in you, yes, they are a warrior's eyes. A veteran, who has seen far too much in her day.

"Why did you leave, Natsuki?" I ask you this; begging to know, because even as you rest one arm on the crutch, I know it was not you physical injuries that was the cause. That was not what clouds your eyes. It is something else entirely. Something so distant now, that even I have nearly forgotten about it. "You didn't have to go."

"I did." Your hand slipped from the pocket of you coat. I wonder where it will skitter off too now. You run your fingers through your oddly cropped tresses. I, even after all of these years of sending photos am not used to it. That short cut of yours. I loved your hair long, you know. "I wasn't lying when I said I needed to find myself. I wasn't lying when I said I needed a focus, distance…time…I needed time Shizuru."

"You could have been killed." The words flew from me, too quickly Natsuki. I forced myself to pause, biting back the rest of my retort. That alone was enough to harden you, send you into a distance. I could not, would not, be able to bridge the divide that separates us if this kept up. I'll quiet, look to the ground, and wait.

Wait for you.

Waiting is all that I truly know how to do, after all.

"Fighting is all that I know." It was confession you didn't need to say. Your voice shakes, trembling in such deeply lonely sadness. "Anger…that's comfortable. It makes sense. Shoot, or be shot at. It's just like the HiME battle, you don't ask question Shizuru. You don't glorify it, you just do what you need to, survive to the next day. That's it. I can do that, it's all I've ever done."

Reduced to an honorable discharge...

That's why you're by my side now.

I know why you're was so upset, even if I am comforted by the news. You will never serve this country again, but more than that, you will never fight battles you know how to deal with…not anymore.

All that's left is to face me. Face our past. Relive our own battle, one that was not overcome our first time around. A battle that as teens, left us praying for answers that, at the time, we could not afford.

But, what does one say to that? What could I possibly do, after all of these years of distance? How could I bring myself to look you in the eyes, tell you that I still love you, that I still want you; crave you, as if I crave any vice?

Natsuki, oh my dearest, sweetest Natsuki, you haven't a clue how long I would wait.

"It's been ten years." I said quietly. "I haven't gone anywhere. I'm exactly where I've always been, standing beside you. Waiting for you, and, biting my lip while you put yourself into danger time, after time, and after time again. Worrying about you, over you, for you. Look at this?" I can only shake my head at her wounds. "Oh, Natsuki, look, it has finally caught up to you."

Natsuki, you must do more than nod at me. Do more than give me that look I've come to loathe. I'm stronger than that, aren't I? "Natsuki, do me one privilege. Just one, and I promise I'll never ask for anything ever again. Just, look me in the eyes and tell me you hate me…"

You're recoiling, why are you recoiling from me? "I can't."

You can't, you say? You can't, or you won't?

"Gods, Natsuki, please make it easy for me." I want that the most. A reason to just turn my back and walk away. I think, in some ways, I've always wanted a reason, to be told I don't matter. Some proof, any, to mark the fact that I'm truly pointless to you. Even though I know that's fruitless, even though I know that you care, I just want a lie. Please, just one. "Just once, make this easy."

"Okay."

This is it then…

I wait for the words, but they don't come.

I feel warmth instead, your hand over mine. "I'm sorry, I can't say that." That voice is too gentle. "I don't hate you. I'm not a liar, Shizuru." Nothing about those words are easy, but the back of your hand slips over me, the way your fingers cascade down, and your palm cups my cheek…that…that isn't easy either, but, it's an action that speaks to me volumes.

This was never meant to be easy, nor was it meant to be something perfect, it was just meant to fit.

To makes sense, of this whole tired situation…

If I was asleep, Natsuki, I'd be you, the year of the carnival…you would be me…but, my eyes are open...and it's your lips that are just too close.

I can see you, clear as day, even in this dark night. So maybe, just once, in this winter's lull, I'll set aside the years you've run headlong to bring us to this moment. I want to, to rest my dreams aside, because, in spite of my love for you, this is not a fantasy.

Your lips are too chapped, your fingers too rough, and if I had my choice, Natsuki, you wouldn't have had to have a knee replacement surgery. You wouldn't be a veteran of war.

"You're a few days out from the hospital. It's too cold for you to be out here." I don't even know why I said that, you hate when I nag at you about your health. I stopped a long time ago, I thought…doing so, would push you away. For a moment, I'm afraid of that very thing all over again. What I said wasn't romantic in the least, but, it's true…and I do worry.

Natsuki, did you know your lips are turning an unhealthy shade of blue...it's just too cold out here.

Instead of ridicule, I see a nod. My mind, my voice, they betrayed me, didn't they?

The pad of your thumb runs over my cheek. I am not alone. I am not by myself in my own head, or so it seems, because in that dulled gaze of yours, you sees into me. I don't know how I know that, or where the belief stems from, but it's undoubtedly backed by your words.

Given strength by the iron of resolve, if nothing else. "You're right, you've always been right, Shizuru."

Your lips looked cold, yet to me, they feel very warm.


End file.
